


Now I fear I've lost my spark (no more glowing in the dark)

by roboticake



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: (maybe i'm not sure), Angst, F/M, Heartbreak, Pining, Spoilers, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2018-03-12 04:16:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3343367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roboticake/pseuds/roboticake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first days after the final battle are hard. Haniel's soul is broken, torn to pieces and lie on the ground; and Cullen wants to mend them together, to make her whole again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now I fear I've lost my spark (no more glowing in the dark)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Placebo's "[A million little pieces](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0YP9aJ_1TQ/)" (that surprisingly fits Solas/Lavellan).
> 
> Also posted on my [tumblr](http://roboticake.tumblr.com/).

 

 

 

The first days after the final battle are hard. Haniel's soul is broken, torn to pieces and lie on the ground; and Cullen wants to mend them together, to make her whole again.

Her eyes often wander in another world, perhaps the world of her own imagination, where _this elf_ –Cullen absolutely tries to not name him because it is unnecessary and makes him want to howl in rage; is certainly still whispering soothing words.

During one of their late supper, Cullen looks at her, concerned, and a ghost of a smile Haniel used to have appears on her soft features. She averts his eyes, takes interest on the slightly dry bread, and tries to reassure her Commander. _I'm fine_ , she says, cracks seeping all over her weakened voice; and Cullen wants to take her in his arms, to be the one who comforts her.

Haniel never had been a good liar.

 

–---

 

Cullen sees Dorian trying to cheer her up, teasing her and joking around with Varric. Haniel laughs, of course, because she will always laugh and smile and reach out for others; but Cullen knows better.

She doesn't throw her head back like before, the joy doesn't reach her eyes and only settles fleetingly on her face like a fine Orlesian mask. Her stance has changed, as if the world settled itself on her shoulders, the weight forcing her down and making her look miserable.

Cullen looks away. Seeing Haniel lying to herself hurts more than he anticipated.

 

–---

 

One day, Cullen returns in his quarters to find Cole sitting on his desk. He blinks owlishly at him and Cullen offers him a smile. He never really accepted the spirit, despite knowing he wouldn't harm anyone, but doesn't want to chase him away either because he can dive deep into Haniel's head, exactly what Cullen can't do.

The Commander sits down and waits for the flow of Cole's gentle voice tell him how their Inquisitor feels.

Cole seems frustrated by her pain, and Cullen too.

And when the spirit goes away, he just stares at the wooden door and wishes Haniel opens it to greet him, scolds him for overworking and bringing him supper. It had been two years.

Cullen misses her.

 

–---

 

The night is calm, but Cullen's heart is thundering. His hand is held high, not absolutely certain if he wants to knock, when the door flies open. Haniel is disheveled, dark circle under her moist eyes, and Cullen doesn't know if he can see her like that; face vulnerable and feelings laid bare. He is just her Commander, her occasional adviser, one of her many shields, one of her many swords.

Haniel doesn't say anything and steps aside, letting Cullen enter her quarters. He fidgets, tries to take a look around, but his eyes can't help but follow Haniel's lean silhouette close the heavy door. She sighs and invites him to sit down, anywhere, and Cullen settles for the wooden chair of her desk while she let herself falls on her bed.

The silence is heavy between them, the dying light of the fireplace making Haniel's shadow hover over her collection of books. Then she sniffs, and Cullen waits, lets her take her time and after some minutes or seconds, Cullen doesn't know, she whispers “ _He told me what we had was real. He ... Couldn't deny it_ ”.

Cullen feels his heart squeeze in his chest and tries to stomp the fury away, the fury that makes him choke and drown. Instead, he listens, her voice resounding in the cold room.

“ _I trusted him, but … He just went away ? Was I not enough for him ? He told me I would understand, but … I still don't. It had been … More than two years now. I don't … I …_ ”

Her voice cracks, her shoulders slumps down in defeat, and even if she doesn't say anything else, Cullen realizes it isn't the weight of the world she carries, but the weight of her love that doesn't seem to go.

Cullen aches, and without thinking, he reaches for her, takes her in his arm and tries to comfort her. Haniel's body is pliant and warm, shaking. Her heartbreak makes her yell and cry, hands grabbing desperately a handful of Cullen's tunic.

Haniel's soul is broken, torn to pieces and lie on the ground; and as much as Cullen wants to mend them together, to make her whole again, he isn't the one destined to –because Haniel already has given up a part of herself to another one, and the sole missing piece makes her unable to be the person she was.


End file.
